I seem to be at one of those standpoints in my life. Everything is on hold. I begin to over-criticize myself as productivity dwindles.
My photography is shit, I hate my day job, my life rarely plays out as planned. A gloomy fog comes over my brain – and I just want to lay down on my bed and rot away. Depression settles in – and I wonder, who am I kidding? I am nowhere near good or smart enough to be a part of this industry. I don’t have the persistence or the know how to achieve my goals. I’m just banging my head against a wall and hoping that something good comes out of it.
Why am I doing this? Why would I want to be a part of this rat-race? I don’t care for millions, nor do I want to be a man of renown. Truth is, most of us are just paying the bills. I could just sit on state benefits and watch TV. Or, I could spend the rest of my days perfecting ‘the art of coffee’. It wouldn’t matter if I didn’t know that it’s no life for me.
I am very grateful that I have found a craft that I love. Many people couldn’t say the same for themselves. But, as much as I enjoy it, it can also be a curse.
I am only 25 years old. Just a little snort. There is still so much for me to experience, learn and see in this world. But, I am sat here clogging up my years with the chase of a carrot. The thing that scares me the most is that even if I do catch the carrot – if I get to where most of us see as success. Is it going to be worth it all? Is it going to satisfy my hunger or is it going to leave me empty as ever?
After all, when I am on my deathbed, something tells me that I won’t be thinking about light aesthetics, camera settings or the mention of me in some magazine that no one remembers. So why is all of this so important to me now?
I just want to live a full life. Minding my own business, doing what I want to be doing whilst helping others.
It took me a quarter of a century to realise this. I think the next chapter is going to open with a big change. Transformation takes time, I’m on my way. I need to stay patient and do what I think is right.